Quotes from Dennis Miller

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I rant, therefore I am.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the home.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay?

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement ? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.