Quotes from Dennis Miller

Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to.

I know we don't like to vote – marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3am showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3am showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.

And the reason parenting is becoming increasingly crucial is that we now live in a world that is more fucked up than Peter O'Toole on his birthday.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow

Pop – Pop culture has turned the brain into the body's new appendix – no real function, and it could quite possibly blow up and mill you. As organs go, you just don't need your brain anymore!

I have a prescription here for Obecalp for [patient's name], but I can't find it listed anywhere." He said, "Oh. That's placebo spelled backwards.

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder.

I remember once my kid got in trouble for saying to his teacher, "What time is fucking recess?" and I remember thinking, "Now where would he fucking pick up something like that?

Schadenfreude is as old as the Scriptures. Believe me, when the girls in the Red Sea bowling league heard that Lot's wife had morphed into a pillar of salt, the deer-lick jokes flew.

CVS is an extreme case among retailers. Its new hires are almost always either recent grads or people who have bounced around the pharmacy world so often that they have nowhere left to go.

The schools are there to teach your kids to read, write, and add – skills they will need if they are going to apply for and wisely invest their unemployment checks one day.

10. Medicaid patients who bitch about $1 copay, then go up front and buy cigarettes & beer.

Now I'm not pro-drug. They obviously cause a lot of damage. But I am pro-logic, and you're never going to stop the human need for release through altered consciousness. The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawn until they fell down and saw God.

And obviously everybody has a different sense of what's funny. If you need confirmation of that, I would remind you that "Saved By the Bell" recently celebrated the taping of their one-hundredth episode.

Power is the most sought-after, addictive, seductive, abused drug there is. Compared to power, crack is Fruitopia.

Big Pharma prefers the model of mail order pharmacy where prescription drug orders are filled the same way that Amazon.com fills orders for books. To

5) "lost" prescriptions (for example, a customer dropped off a prescription on Tuesday and returned on Wednesday only to find that the pharmacy staff can find no trace of that prescription—it happens more often than you think!).

We are overeducated pharmacy clerks (with doctorate degrees) answering the phone, running the cash register, ringing up donuts and dish soap while juggling 10 or more drug related issues per minute with our one technician yelling "Override!

FIVE – This is very important. During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

And then, as so frequently happens in human endeavors, one or the other sexual partners inadvertently hurts the other person by accidentally elbowing them, or leaning on their hair.

But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.