Quotes from Dennis Miller

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.

Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.