Quotes from P. J. O'Rourke

Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on the side of truth.

There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.

A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.

The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.

I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money.

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy.

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.

Generally it's not a good idea to wear Banana Republic - type khaki journalist clothes in a war zone. You might look too much like something that's supposed to be shot, such as a journalist.

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.

I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists.

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.