Quotes from Dane Cook

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.