Quotes from Dane Cook

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

I would love to have acidy spit.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.