Quotes from Dane Cook

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

Cleaning my hand print off of a mirror. Don't high-five your reflection. Just nod or wink.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm a late-night guy.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.