Quotes from Dane Cook

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.