Quotes from Lewis Black

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

We have fossils... We win!

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. If it weren't for my horse... as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — I wouldn't have spent that year in college, which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone .

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's just soy juice.

Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.