Quotes from Lewis Black

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We're all shitty little snowflakes, dancing in the universe.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.

Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?

Oh sure, I have regrets, but that's the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

I was a vegetarian for a year. Not out of some moral choice, but because I wanted new stuff to taste. Except tofu. Fuck tofu. It's the lamest reason to chew. And in the end how do we know that vegetables aren't more intelligent and sensitive forms of life than those made of meat? We don't.

At seven p.m., hope is sparked again when some new chirpy airline employee announces that a new plane without that nasty mechanical problem - the aviation of the clap - will arrive around 9 o'clock. Apparently, the old plane would now be used as a decoy plane so that when a plane wasn't available it could be loaded with passengers who could sit there thinking that they would be leaving in fifteen minutes.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.