Quotes from Lewis Black

If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.

Death is the abiding mystery that is the root of all religions, except Scientology, which doesn't count because I refuse to consider seriously anything that Tom Cruise believes in.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us ... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!"

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

This book also contains what some people call 'profanity'. I think they're full of shit.

Humor is how we find comfort in the totally illogical, for it is the bridge back to the logical.

let Him down. But what else is new? And if you don't like what I just said, tough. That's the God I believe in and that's

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.

How our government works... it doesn't.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.