Quotes from Lewis Black

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool.

Political audiences are not fun.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.