Quotes from Jim Gaffigan

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

My new years resolution? I will be less laz.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Standards of beauty change. If Mona Lisa went into a modeling agency today, they'd say, "Sorry, we don't need a janitor."

Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. "Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?" "But we do that every day!" "Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?"

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.