Quotes from Jim Gaffigan

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration.

The ridiculousness and idiocy of life is embraced and examined. It nurtures the childhood perspective in everyone.

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.

I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.