Quotes from Jim Gaffigan

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

I love standup comedians. I really do.

"Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling?"

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.

My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.

I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.

If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.