Quotes from Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'