Quotes from Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'