Quotes from Emo Philips

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.