Quotes from Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.