Quotes from Emo Philips

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The highway cop said, "Walk a straight line." I said, "Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves." He said, "You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?" I thought, "Oooh, a paradox!"

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he's a real big guy, and yells, "It's been six weeks since I've seen you in camouflage class!" I said, "I'm getting good."

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into corners very well."

I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge $5 for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know . . . I should have heard them hiding.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky. But there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.