Quotes from Greg Behrendt

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted.

The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do.

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

We were raised to pursue women... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time

Send her a quick note while you're stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

...you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.