Quotes from Mindy Kaling

And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don't hate themselves.

And the stairs. Oh, the stairs. The staircase in our third-floor walk-up was the steepest, hardest, metal-est staircase I have ever encountered in my life. It was a staircase for killing someone and making it seem like an accident.

Thank you, Teach for America! Luring away America's finest minds so that the rest of us can snatch up their jobs.)

Bennifer was so big it was as though two people had never been in love before, and they had discovered it.

Our Klutz clangs into Stop signs while riding a bike, and knocks over giant displays of expensive fine china. Despite being five foot nine and weighing 110 pounds, she is basically like a drunk buffalo who has never been a part of human society. But Fred Tom loves her anyway.

When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I'll call Peter Parker. I'm calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy's name was also alliterative, and because, well, it's my book and I'll name a guy I dated after Spider-Man's alter ego if I want to.

If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true.

The problem was I didn't want just anyone's company. I wanted the company of funny, smart, like-minded people. That's when I realized something about myself: I would rather be lonely than bored.

Is Dwight really like that in real life?" to which I respond: "Oh, no, Rainn isn't like Dwight. Dwight is an angel next to Rainn. Rainn is a demon.

But I feel like, if you have every material good you want, you're probably doing well enough to plan a honeymoon that is within your means. Because a honeymoon is, after all, a sex vacation you're giving yourself after a massive party in your honor.

But one thing I will impart to my children is: If you're scared of something, that isn't a sign that you have to do it. It probably means you shouldn't do it.

I liked hanging out with my family! Later, when you're grown up, you realize you never get to hang out with your family. You pretty much have only eighteen years to spend with them full time, and that's it. So, yeah, it all added up to a happy, memorable time. Even though I was never a star.

We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other's undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over forever.

WHAT I'M ASKING for is not that much. I just want a boyfriend who is sweet and trustworthy. That's it. He doesn't need to have a perfect body or look like George Clooney. I want a guy who wants to curl up on a Friday night and watch Netflix. He can even pick the show. I mean, ideally, it's serialized and female-driven, and maybe not that boring political one. But honestly, I don't care. It's not important.

They say the best revenge is living well. I say it's acid in the face -- who will love them now?

But when you're winning, it makes them feel like they're losing or, worse yet, that maybe they should've tried to do something too, but now it's too late. And since they didn't, they want to stop you. You can't let them.

Just bear a passing resemblance to a fictional romantic trope I like and I will love you forever. We're all just trying to find the Mark Darcy of our workplace, aren't we?

I don't read them; I just hit "accept." iTunes may own my ovaries, for all I know.

That's why every doctor on TV is a drug addict, a sociopath, or just plain mega-rude. Doctors can do anything they want!

Mom was impressed but didn't want me to go overboard, which was impossible, because I was still eating a lot. I just had taken a break from eating like a professional football player.

As it is, I guess I find "Jack & Diane" a little disgusting. As a child of immigrant professionals, I can't help but notice the wasteful frivolity of it all. Why are these kids not home doing their homework? Why aren't they setting the table for dinner or helping out around the house? Who allows their kids to hang out in parking lots? Isn't that loitering?

And when I say the Fashion Police, of course I'm speaking of the small group of screeching gay guys and fashion "experts" on that E! show led by the reanimated corpse of Joan Rivers.

If you look closely, you can see this woman's ribs through the dress she's wearing— that's how skinny she is, this cheesecake-loving cow.

Your girlfriend's sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them. Always. All a girl wants to do is to get along with her family and if you are on the side of making it easy, you will be loved eternally. It might be easier to condemn them - especially if she's doing that already - but, remarkably, even if they are murderers, she will find the good in them, especially if you start trashing them.