Quotes from Mindy Kaling

When I arrived at Dartmouth College in 1997, my attitude towards alcohol was that it was that it was a delicious and dangerous treat that, when obtained, needed to be ingested quickly in case someone tried to take it away.

When you're that low on the totem pole, you sometimes think you're so unimportant that no one can hear you.

People sometimes sweetly say that I have "child-bearing hips," but what they really mean is that I have hips that will definitely knock over your drink if you are sitting next to me on a plane and I have to get up to use the bathroom.

THEY KIDNAP AND MURDER MY HUSBAND ON OUR HONEYMOON My new husband and I are vacationing in Buenos Aires.

The result of my not caring so much about what I say allows me to care more about how I say it. P. 4

It was a sure sign of guilt: giving too much information about my cover story was

My barometer for making friends is that you can't get to know someone by hearing about everything they like—you need to hear about what they don't like. It's only when you are willing to go out on a limb by admitting you're not a fan of something that you're vulnerable enough to earn my trust.

this isn't the land of appropriate—this is Hollywood, baby. Out here, a dark-skinned woman's traditional hair color is honey blond. A hip white woman's natural hair is gray-lavender.

I'm sad that a legitimate rung on the ladder of making it in comedy is writing hateful stuff about total strangers. I don't know.

I had read the baby books, of course, but could remember literally nothing but one fact: "babies are born without kneecaps." What the hell was I supposed to do with that information? Invite some gangster to take retribution against me by kneecapping my baby and then laugh when he realizes it's physically impossible? That was no good to me; I would have needed to lay the groundwork ages ago!

I would love to have Snoop Dogg waiting in my office in a cupcake-print suit to tell all my problems to. Wouldn't we all?

even though deep down I know that if there is an afterlife, she's a pretty much open-and-shut case for hell.

And more importantly, I never have any resentment over uneven distribution of childcare. I just know it's always going to be me. Which is exhausting and terrifying. But also empowering.

In my line of work, every man wears exactly one outfit: khakis, a Late Night with Jimmy Fallon T-shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt. If you don't wear that, people think you are a Scientologist and no one will eat lunch with you.

Because confidence is like respect; you have to earn it.

After all these years with friends who are five ten or taller, I have come to carry myself with the confidence of a tall person. It's all in the head. It works out.

It was also so expensive that I actually gasped when I heard her daily rate, and this is coming from someone who didn't think twice about spending twenty bucks to buy the movie Split on iTunes because she didn't want to wait two weeks to rent it.

Thrown-Together Disaster Funeral is my new HGTV show. It's a makeover funeral show where three flamboyant gay guys and a judgmental sassy broad (think Wanda Sykes) crash a tacky funeral and fix it. Wanda's catchphrase is "Nuh-huh. Everyone out of this church. This funeral is a disaster.

Doug appeared, clad in an Affliction waffle-knit tee and True Religion jeans. It was 2006, so this was a sign of great success.

A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn't conversation. It'll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, "Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.

And maybe the sacrifices will feel worth it, because having a partner that amazing to journey with is just that rewarding.

I laughed because, as everyone knows, laughing is a great way to disguise heavy breathing.

I think one of the reasons I loved it is that my image of a big spender is usually an older white male. All the best stereotypes for people showing unexpected generosity are usually reserved for white men: Santa Claus, Bill Gates, God.

In an attempt to achieve the cheeky, gay-centric tone of the show, I had written a sample so over-the-top offensively gay that it actually reads like a propaganda sketch to incite antigay sentiment.