Quotes from Mindy Kaling

It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it's cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship.

Kevin's always saying things like "You've got a real deep bench, now, kid." Or "You gotta keep your eye on the ball, and you're going to push it over the goal line." And I have no idea what he is talking about, but I nod enthusiastically and say, "Sure, of course, sports," and hope he doesn't ask any follow-up questions.

Back then, we all thought Lever 2000 was the best because the number "2000" seemed so impressive. Were there 1999 formulas before they landed on this one? That sounds really well researched. I'm in!

I got a text. It was Will, on Air Force One, about to take off back to Washington: I should've kissed you. That's on me.

Will (now renamed "Trouble Don't Pick Up" in my phone) came to L.A. with the president and asked me to dinner.

If you have never seen a flight attendant praying, I hope you never do, because it is one the scariest things in the whole world. Scarier

confidence is like respect; you have to earn it.

SOMETIMES I bring a script I'm working on to a restaurant and sit near people and eavesdrop on them. I could rationalize it—Oh, this is good anthropological research for characters I'm writing—but it's basically just nosiness. I especially

like eavesdropping on women my age. Besides being titillating, it also helps me gauge where I'm at in comparison. Am I normal? Am I doing the correct trendy cardio exercises? Am I reading the right books? Is gluten still lame? Is soap cool again, or is body wash still the way to go? It was through eavesdropping that I learned that you could buy fresh peanut butter at Whole Foods from a machine that grinds it in front of you.

If Europe could figure out a way to do the euro, I feel confident we can do this.

The point is, it only traumatized me because I had the time to be traumatized. I want to be so famous and busy that I only ever find these insults amusing, and chuckle at them good-naturedly before I get on my private jet to be a UN Ambassador to Cameroon, or wherever.

The reason I pull Irish exits is not because I think I'm too busy and cool to be bothered with pleasantries. It's that when there is a gathering of more than thirty people I don't want to waste your time with hellos and good-byes. I think it's actually the more polite thing to do, because I'm not coercing partygoers into some big farewell moment with me.

Sports movies had brainwashed me into the belief that when the chips are down the most, that is when success is the most inevitable.

No one ever wants to hear about how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn't a conversation. It'll never lead anywhere.

One good thing about New York is that most people function daily while in a low-grade depression. It's not like if you're in Los Angeles, where everyone's so actively working on cheerfulness and mental and physical health that if they sense you're down, they shun you. Also, all that sunshine is a cruel joke when you're depressed. In New York, even in your misery, you feel like you belong.

In my entire life, I never once heard either of my parents say they were stressed. That was just not a phrase I grew up being allowed to say. That, and the concept of "Me time".

Write your own part. It's the only way I've ever gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands. It forces you to think about what your strengths really are, and once you find them, you can showcase them, and nobody can stop you.

There is no difference between Ripley from Alien and any Katherine Heigl character.

If you got it, flaunt it. And if you don't got it, flaunt it.

The truth is, if I were going to lose weight successfully, I would have to think about what I eat constantly. I cannot imagine a life more boring and a more time-consuming obsession than being preoccupied with what I eat.

If you can't handle providing all the courses for your dinner party, you can't handle the hosting duties of a dinner party.

As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends.

We clung to each other with blind loyalty, like Lord Voldemort and his snake, Nagini.

Cause that's all I want. A sweet, mature, normal, loving guy, with no baggage. And who has an absolutely enormous penis.