Quotes from Mindy Kaling

A not 100-percent-perfect-looking-in-every-way female? You might as well film a dead squid decaying on a beach somewhere for two hours.

When I watch roasts, I actually feel physically uncomfortable, like when I see a crow feast on a squirrel that has been hit by a car buy has not stopped moving yet.

When you are entitled, you are the most insufferable person ever. If you are entitled and hardworking, which I am, you are still pretty insufferable, but at least you somewhat earned your entitled behavior.

I guess I'm the kind of person who likes to be part of something so much that I won't care if the something is bad.

I think it's a federal crime parking meters won't accept pennies. Yeah, government, we know pennies suck. But you made them! You have to accept them! Parking meters are literally one of the three things anyone uses coins for and you decide you don't want to deal with them?

And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don't hate themselves. So that is why you need to be a little bit brave.

No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.

It wasn't even one of those stoic pimples that goes quietly when you pop it; this one was cystic and painful and had roots that seemed to extend into my brain.

1) There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. (2) I would like to be friends with Beyoncé Knowles.

Edward Albee, our greatest living playwright, American treasure, who watched Doubt from beginning to end and loved it, all while a bored B. J. Novak slept on him.

B.J. and I watched Lost on his portable DVD player, which is just about the most 2007 thing you can do.

Ah! There is a plane crash in Lost and now we are going to die in a plane crash while watching Lost! And I'm too scared to tell anyone my cool observation!

I love diet soda; when I drink juice or regular soda it makes my blood sugar spike and I act like a cracked out Rachael Ray, but without the helpful household tips.

Luckily, I was not born a white man.* *This has never before been said in the history of humanity.

When Your Boyfriend Fits into Your Jeans and Other Atrocities

It was finally clear. The reason I'm Kind of Hindu and will raise my daughter to be Kind of Hindu is to have this connection deep inside my own heart to other people who look like us and have shared key experiences, thousands of miles away. I don't have to be full-on religious, and I doubt I'll ever be knowledgeable enough to satisfy her or my curiosity about our faith, but I'm really going to try.

Playful arguments would become fits of uncontrollable laughter, and, like magic, that experience would be crystallized into a private joke, and the private joke would get boiled down to a simple phrase, which became a

The truth is, if I were going to lose weight successfully, I would have to think about what I eat constantly. I cannot imagine a life more boring and a more time-consuming obsession than being preoccupied with watching what I eat.

One good thing about New York is that most people function daily while in a low-grade depression.

Later, when you're grown up, you realize you never get to hang out with your family. You pretty much have only eighteen years to spend with them full time, and that's it.

it's blue and it's wailing because its little body is cold. The only people who think it's beautiful are its parents, and the doctor is just happy it's alive. And none of that is funny.

It sounds odd, but cheerful is very hard to find in Los Angeles. I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful.

But my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don't wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserved for more important things.

Soulmates" is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes.