Quotes from Fred Allen

The world is a grindstone and life is your nose

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.