Quotes from Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done

An actor, to spend his entire life as an actor, has to have the mind of a child. A writer at sixty can be a Steinbeck, a Faulkner, or a Hemingway. An actor at sixty can make a funny face or do a creaky dance. The actor lives a reasonable-facsimile existence while cavorting in an unreal world. The value of an actor's services are determined by the needs of another person.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized