Quotes from Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Hush, little bright line, don't you cry You'll be a clich

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Do we really deserve top billing?

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.