Quotes from Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.