Quotes from Terry Pratchett

drink levels all mankind. It is the ultimate democrat

A farmer who neglects to sow ordinary seeds only loses the crop, whereas anyone who forgets to sow seeds of a crop that has already been harvested twelve months before risks disturbing the entire fabric of causality, not to mention acute embarrassment.

You can be any sex you like provided you act male. There's no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads.

Rob turned the rustling pages and grinned. 'Ach, she's writ here: Oh, the dear Feegles ha' turned up again,' he said. This met with general applause. 'Ach, what a kind girl she is tae write that,' said Billy Bigchin. 'Can I see?' He read: Oh dear, the Feegles have turned up again. 'Ah,' he said.

Camels have a very democratic approach to the human race. They hate every member of it, without making any distinctions for rank or creed.

LET ME PUT FORWARD ANOTHER SUGGESTION: THAT YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A LUCKY SPECIES OF APE THAT IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITIES OF CREATION VIA A LANGUAGE THAT EVOLVED IN ORDER TO TELL ONE ANOTHER WHERE THE RIPE FRUIT WAS?

If anyone locked me in a dungeon, there'd be screams.

And he dreamed the dream of all those who publish books, which was to have so much gold in your pockets that you would have to employ two people just to hold your trousers up.

He felt eyes suddenly upon him because marital telepathy is a terrible thing

It was the heart of any scam or fiddle -- keep the punter uncertain, or, if he is certain, make him certain of the wrong thing.

Tiffany found her mind filling up with an invisible gray mist, and in that thought there was nothing but grief. She could feel herself trying to push back time, but even the best witchcraft could not do that.

The lodgings were on the top floor next to the well-guarded premises of a respectable dealer in stolen property because, as Granny had heard, good fences make good neighbours.

T]he princesses were beautiful as the day is long and so noble they, they could pee through a dozen mattresses-

His job was to make sense of the world and there were times that he wished the world would meet him halfway.

I've never heard of you and I know this city like the back of my hand,' said Vimes. 'Right. And how often do you look at the back of your hand Mr Vimes?…

It's Tchaikovsky's 'Another One Bites the Dust,'" said Crowley, closing his eyes as they went through Slough.

The gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.

I find it best to worry about the little things. Things that can be helped by being worried about. Such as the making of clam chowder, (..)coffee. The bigger stuff, well, you have to handle that as it faces you.

Ridcully was simple-minded. This doesn't mean stupid. It just meant that he could only think properly about things if he cut away all the complicated bits around the edges.

Erm.. dear, do I ride out for Apocalypses?' Mrs War took the lid off the saucepan and prodded viciously at something inside. 'No, dear,' she said firmly. 'You always come down with a cold.

the Library was a dangerous place because of all the magical books, which was true enough, but what made it really one of the most dangerous places there could ever be was the simple fact that it was a library.

Even the pious Scots, locked throughout history in a long-drawn-out battle with their arch-enemies the Scots, managed a few burnings to while away the long winter evenings.

I can teach you a lesson you won't forget in a hurry

It is a strange thing to find yourself doing something you have apparently always wanted to do, when in fact up until that moment you had never known that you had always wanted to do it, or even what it was