Quotes from Louis C. K.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?

I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.

I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.

There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don't.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

I love comedians. They're my community.

I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

I could never sit down and write jokes.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.