Quotes from Louis C. K.

I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

Perception is created and twisted so quickly.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

I like all ladies of all different ages.