Quotes from Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.

The term 'working mother' is redundant.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.