Quotes from Josh Billings

It's a wise man who profits by his own experience, but it's a good deal wiser one who lets the rattlesnake bite the other fellow.

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.

The man who ain't got an enemy is really poor.

The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall. They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs will hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank, — thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.

Sweet cider now, and punkin pize, And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy: Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy, So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?

Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.

Curiosity had twins — one was Invention and the other was Stick Yer Nose Into Things.

There is plenty of happiness in this life if we only knew it: and one way to find it is, when we have got the old rheumatism to thank Heaven that it ain't the old gout.

Philosophy is a first rate thing to have, but you can't alleviate the gout with it, unless the gout happens to be on some other fellow.

If yu ever find happiness bi hunting for it, yu will find it, az the old woman did the spektakles she had lost, safe on her own noze all the time.

It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.

Man is my brother, and I am nearer related to him through his vices than I am through his virtue.

It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too.

I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes.

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow; if you will smooth out the one, I will smooth out the other.

Common sense is an instinct given to man and enough of it is genius. Smartness is measured by the level of common sense one has, not by how much educated or knowledgeable he is.

When a man gets talking about himself, he seldom fails to be eloquent and often reaches the sublime.

Experience makes more timid men than it does wise ones.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

A good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.