Quotes from Josh Billings

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.

Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe.

The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.

The wicked often work harder to go to hell than the righteous do to enter heaven.

Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.

There are people so addicted to exaggeration they can't tell the truth without lying.

If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We couldn't even eat hash with safety.

Most everyone seems willing to be a fool himself, but he can't bear to have anyone else one.

I don't never have any trouble in regulating my own conduct, but to keep other folks' straight is what bothers me.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the later in life we have it the tuffer it goes with us.

There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't.

I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine.

Health is like munny, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.