Quotes from Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Laughter is an instant vacation.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might have been, by far; for a might have been has never been but a has was once an are.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are.