Quotes from Milton Berle

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!