Quotes from Milton Berle

Divorce is the future tense of marriage.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Nostalgia is longing for a place you'd never move back to.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

When he got a divorce, he and his wife split the house. He got the outside.

God isn't dead. He's just getting a second opinion.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Bagel: a doughnut dipped in cement, a Jewish brass-knuckle.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

Repartee is what you wish you'd said.

I pay my alimony on the button. I'm afraid that if I don't, my ex-wife will repossess me!

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I like the West. That's where men are men and women are women, and it's hard to beat a combination like that.

Money can't buy happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.