Quotes from Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

The best ears of our lives.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!"

I'll show you a lucky man--his secretary's lipstick is the same color as his wife's!

You know you're in L.A. when you put air in your tires and they cough.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.