Quotes from Milton Berle

When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are', because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been,' by far, for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I'd like to tell you some jokes now, but you'd only laugh.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

I can't tell you his age but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.