Quotes from John Waters

When you're feeling despondent just put on more country music. There are thousands of slit-your-wrist hillbilly songs that will make you laugh at your self-indulgence and ultimately cheer you up.

And yep, here's yet one more heterosexual man who loves his wife. I'm telling you, it's a trend! Women I know who are always complaining they can never meet a good straight man—maybe you're living in the wrong part of the country. Maybe you need to hitchhike. Route 70 West could be the path to a great marriage. Go ahead, stick out your thumb for romance.

When the worst thing that can happen to you does, I try to be a friend.

Once I climb in, will they believe it's me even if they know who I am, or think I'm just a John Waters impersonator? Which I am in a way every day Ã¢â'¬Â¦ only older.

Listen to your political enemies, especially the smart ones, and then figure out a way to make them laugh.

If I could pick my own death, it would be on a roller coaster that jumps the tracks and careens into a packed crowd at a cotton candy stand at a state fair.

You should never read just for enjoyment. Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends' insane behavior, or better yet, your own.

JOHN WATERS: In Cry-Baby Traci played a sexpot-which is always the best way to rid yourself of an image, by playing it and making fun of it. That's what Johnny Deep did, too. He was on Jump Street, and he hated playing a teen idol, so I said, stick with us; we'll kill that. And we did - in the right way, you know?

The thing is, all the stuff that people hate about the art world, I love. I embrace all the elitism. I think it's hilarious. I love impenetrable art writing. I make fun of it, but I make fun of things I love. I don't hate the art world at all. I find it fascinating. It's a secret club; you have to learn the rules.

Cheer up. You never know — maybe something awful will happen tomorrow.

which she makes no move to clean up, I'm not sure what

Oh my God!" I hear him yell to just about everybody. "Did you see that?! That was John Waters. I'm almost certain he has shit his pants!!" I hear grown men laugh in constipated smugness and digestive superiority.

You need to prepare sneak attacks on society

Green tree. Pretty lady. Car. Car. Truck," she recites, naming out loud almost everything she sees. "Don't mind me, I'm a gabberbox," she chuckles. "A gabberbox?" I ask, confused at her term. "You know, hon, I talk a lot," she explains before breaking into a laugh that is eerily familiar.

We'd have valet parking, too, but the attendants would be disguised as hostile schizophrenic street people who would squeegee-attack your windshield right as you pull up. Those in the know would have figured out by now that all our valets were ex-cons

Connie goes off the charts and into a whole new realm of music. Suddenly channeling Ol' Dirty Bastard's scary voice and skyrocketing to a new level of coolness, Connie raps an all-new ghetto version of the once-tepid theme song to Follow the Boys

If you just broke up with someone, be sad; if you just ran over somebody drunk driving, feel depressed. You shouldn't take a pill that makes you feel okay about terrible things.

La vida no vale nada si no tienes una obsesión.

Tenemos que hacer que los libros vuelvan a molar. Si vas a casa de alguien y no tiene libros, no te lo folles.

You should never read just for 'enjoyment.' Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends' insane behavior, or better yet, your own. Pick 'hard books.' Ones you have to concentrate on while reading. And for God's sake, don't let me ever hear you say, 'I can't read fiction. I only have time for the truth.' Fiction is the truth, fool!

I look out through the eyeholes and feel exactly the way Michael Jackson's son Blanket must have felt

Nothing shouts midlife crisis louder than driving a convertible.

Who would have ever thought a top college like RISD would invite a filth elder like myself to set an example to its students?

Fantasies are like extra cash, they need to be banked for later use. I chuckle to myself, remembering Quentin Tarantino's hilarious line onstage when I interviewes him in the Provincetown Film Festival. 'What was the best thing about your success?' I had asked, and he answered, 'Pussy… no, the memory of pussy'.