Quotes from Christopher Moore

While Alpha Males are often gifted with superior physical attributes—size, strength, speed, good looks—selected by evolution over the eons by the strongest surviving and, essentially, getting all the girls, the Beta Male gene has survived not by meeting and overcoming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it.

We can build cities for the Romans." "Actually, I was thinking about saving mankind." "Forget that nonsense, Josh. Rocks, I tell you.

An artist can't let madness stop him from making art, he simply has to channel it.

We looked not at each other, and neither at the ground, but at a place in space a few feet from our faces, where I suppose one looks for a clear answer to appear out of undefined shock.

I know you're busy dating actresses and psychopaths.

Let's high stick that moose in the fun bags.

Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves.

It's French," she said. "They designed it like a zoo—you know, keep 'em in, but give everyone a good look at 'em...

So, from what you guys are saying, there are thousands of humans walking around without souls?' 'Millions, probably,' Charlie said. 'Maybe that explains the last election.

Everyone at the bar turned toward The Breeze and waited, as if the next few words he spoke would reveal the true meaning of life, the winning numbers of the lottery, and the unlisted phone number of God.

You put your dick in my lunch?

In the ancient world, blue was a breed of darkness.

For the tourist, immersed in the oblivion of vacation spending, Cypress Street provided a bonanza of curious gifts to prove to the folks back home that they had been somewhere. Somewhere where they had obviously forgotten that soon they would return home to a mortgage, dental bills, and an American Express bill that would descend at the end of the month like a financial Angel of Death. And they bought. They bought effigies of

I'm not scared, Daddy. I just need some crunchy Cheese Newts up in this bitch.

From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of big eyes binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete.

What are you working on? Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him. I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days. Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer.

I would paint more farms, said Toulouse-Lautrec, but they always put them so far from the bar.

IKEA," chanted the dead. "First we feast, then IKEA. First we feast, then IKEA.

The image of a well-dressed older woman making on a goopish spoonful of artificial boon spooge was running across the lobes of his brain like a stuttering nightmare.

His words were: hello, good-bye, yes, no, please, thank you, okay, sorry, and suck my dick. He

You're going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can't go home with, 'Hi, I'm the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon.

The sofa was lumpy enough to have had a body sewed into it; stuffing spilled out of the arms where the victim had tried to escape.

Sometimes, methinks, a lass just needs to have a proper enraged scream.

The entire city of Las Vegas—plastic opulence, treasure for the taking, vulgar towers, and cocktail waitresses with improbable breasts—is built on the self-delusion of the Beta Male.