Quotes from Christopher Moore

The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens.I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting. Him. Pardon? It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light.

She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference.

Chapter 8, Dinner With the Vampire: Is there something wrong with your food? No, I'm just not very hungry. You're going to break my heart, aren't you?

In order to hold off the Forces of Darkness, you will need a number two pencil and a calendar, preferably one without pictures of kitties on it.

I fink I gots deaf on me willie.

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.

They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions.

in regards to the Asian guy] He was so cute - in that Final Fantasy Thirty-Seven way. What I'm saying is, the Sex Fu is strong with this one. --The Chronicles of Abby Normal

I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool. [Oswald] He's not impudent, said Jones [the puppet]. With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady. I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for he is most wise for having a brain of sawdust. Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent! said Oswald, frothing a bit now.

And he was like The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk - -Abby

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.

You can't just accidentally penis somebody.

She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir?

Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of Tangled Up in Blue in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan.

A woman's magazine quiz: Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, "Was it good for you?" You: a. Say, "God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life" b. Say, "Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man." c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, "That's for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

She had a lot of nerve signing her note Love. [...] But she did sign it that way: Love. What did that mean? Did she mean it, or was it habit? She probably signed all of her letters with Love. Dear Insured, We are sorry but your policy will not pay for your barium enema as it was done for recreational purposes. Love, Jody. Claims Dept... Maybe not.

Yeah, that's right, Lash. Because I'm Chinese I have a deep-seated need to nosh house pets. Now why don't you let him in before my inner Chinaman forces me to kung-fu your bitch ass.

Sometimes this high-tech world calls for low-tech solutions.

When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed's presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance.

Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population, even in the negative?

This Roberto. He no like the light.

Latin, Greek, and English, plus a smattering of Italian and fucking French." "Fucking French, you say? Well . . ." "Oui," said I, in perfect fucking French.

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit

A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note.