Quotes from Dave Barry

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would:nuclear war, global warming and Windows.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

If wishes were horses, there would be an easy explanation for all this horseshit

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign language

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.

The primary function of the government is to spew out paper

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers."

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.