Quotes from Dave Barry

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

In the words of a very famous dead person, "A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test."

You may have gone to college and learned how to solve all of society's problems, but when you get out in the real world, nobody ever asks you to how to solve all of society's problems. In the real world, what people ask you are questions like: "Can you make coffee?" and "Where's the rent money?"

If, when you appear at the breakfast table, your wife laughs to hard that she spits out her toast, you should consider wearing a different tie.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

The remote control had 48 buttons. No resident of the Old Farts Senile Dying Center knew how to operate it. They were the Greatest Generation, men and women who had survived the Depression, defeated the Nazis, built America into the greatest nation the world had ever seen. But this damned gizmo had beaten them.

If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.

There was a time when the human race did not have technology. This time was called "the 1950s." I was a child then, and it was horrible. There were only three TV channels, and at any given moment at least two of them were showing men playing the accordion in black and white.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.