Quotes from Dave Barry

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.