Quotes from Dave Barry

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.