Quotes from Dave Barry

Horkman made a sound like a bullfrog trying to give a blow job to a buffalo.

In the morning always in the morning the moment comes when you are shuffling, sleep-slowed down the dawn-dim hallway shuffling in your nightdress it comes so sudden so cold so suddenly cold when it comes the dog nose in your butt.

When you called for your installation appointment, the Telephone Company would say: "We will have an installer in your area between the hours of 9 A.M. October 3 and the following spring. Will someone be at home?" And you would say yes, if you wanted a phone.

You would stay at home, the anxious hours ticking by, and you would wait for your Phone Man. It was as close as most people came to experiencing what heroin addicts go through, the difference being that heroin addicts have the option of going to another supplier. Phone customers didn't. They feared the power of the Telephone Company.

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

So for some reason everybody makes this huge deal about pandas. I don't know why. They never actually do anything except eat and poop. But they're really famous.' 'Yeah, said Suzana. 'They're like the Kardashians of zoo animals.

Did you see those airport security people? I think you could drive a tank past them, as long as it didn't contain any liquids.

My wife reports these problems to me, because we are a modern enlightened couple who have divided up our household responsibilities equally along non-gender-stereotypical lines: My wife's responsibilities: Cleanliness, food, décor, clothing, medical care, houseguests, parties, holidays, relatives and all other activities involving human interaction, such as talking. My responsibilities: Things that break, lizards.

Of course most of us find it difficult to talk about insects without bringing up the subject of sex.

Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship.

You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you're the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright.

I was clinging to this tree so passionately that I might very well have committed an act of photosynthesis with it.

Probably the most violently hated of the weenie songs cited in the survey was "Sometimes When We Touch," sung in a very emotional manner by Dan Hill, who sounds as though he's having his prostate examined by Captain Hook.

I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there's a lot of evidence that it's real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica.

Fortunately the bad guys had the tactical intelligence of a waffle iron, so the hero was able to outsmart them by ducking behind some rocks, then putting his hat on a stick and holding it

I learned this from a show called Captain Video, featuring a man named, oddly, Captain Video

game against Italy, Suárez could clearly be seen on video robbing

Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism.

If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.

He could be a testosterone donor.

I am highly skeptical of any trend that large corporations participate in.

of research

To begin with, sponges are not plants. They are multi-celled animals, although they have no mouths, internal organs, brains or nervous systems. They cannot move, but they can reproduce, eat, grow and obtain Florida driver's licenses.

In some other state, a person might say to himself, I believe I shall pose as Superman by the side of the road! But in Florida, that person is also going to say, But first, I shall remove my pants!