Quotes from Dave Barry

Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.

Pay attention to the people you love. (Not later. Right now.)

In College Bowl action, the University of Miami loses the national championship to Penn State when Vinny Testaverde, after selecting the "History" category, identifies World War II as "a kind of fish.

Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grabbing slime bag.

The Federal Aviation Administration announces that, in response to a routine questionnaire, 63 percent of the nation's air traffic controllers stated that their primary career goal was "to defeat the forces of the Planet Wambeeno.

The Enigma of Japanese Power, by Dutch journalist Karel van Wolferen

And so the box leaked. In fact, it's been leaking since it was back in Scotland; apparently some of it got on a lizard or snake, which transformed into some sort of strange gigantic creature, which managed to escape into Loch Ness. I certainly hope that's the last we hear of that.

Andy Warhol goes to the Big Soup Can in the Sky.

In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but are driven off by courageous flies.

and he held her, then, and she held him, just for a moment, the last moment they would ever have when they were both the same age.

born and brewed in the U.S.A.," and the men who drink it are American men, the kind of men who aren't afraid to perspire freely and shake a man's hand. That's mainly what happens in Miller commercials: Burly American men go around, drenched in perspiration, shaking each other's hands in a violent and patriotic fashion.

Of course your bleeding-heart-liberal-secular-humanist left-wing communists will tell you that it's a bad thing to own a gun, but as any knowledgeable gun nut will tell you, there are countless factual anecdotes concerning alert gun-toting homeowners who have thwarted the forces of evil.

Toby's mom believed that tofu had a near-miraculous ability to masquerade as any other food -- that if a lump of tofu was shaped like something, it would also taste like that thing. Thanksgiving in Toby's house was a nightmare.

And what other advances does the future hold, technology-wise? Even as you read these words, white-coated laboratory geeks are working on a revolutionary new camera that not only will focus automatically, set the exposure automatically, flash automatically, and advance the film automatically, but will also automatically refuse to take stupid pictures, such as of the wing out the airplane window.

Florida has become The Joke State, the state everybody makes fun of. If states were characters on Seinfeld, Florida would be Kramer: Every time it appears, the audience automatically laughs, knowing it's going to do some idiot thing.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." – Dave Barry

Early in the morning of October 8, 1991, Mrs. Florence A. Snegg of Uvula, Michigan, was having an extremely vivid dream in which her son, Russell, was involved in a terrible automobile accident. Suddenly she was awakened by the ringing of her telephone. On the line was a Missouri state trooper, calling long distance to remind Mrs. Snegg that she had never had children

Or they laughed at Indiana, because the people there proudly call themselves Hoosiers even though they have no idea what Hoosier means.

Fair doesn't come into {the law.}

Eventually the man concludes that for some reason you periodically have a massive internal buildup of feelings that must be released in the direction of another human being. He adopts a strategy of monitoring these releases for key words or phrases indicating a problem that he might have to do something about, such as "fire," "internal bleeding," or "district attorney

You're mine, Wasp

I have long believed that nobody actually makes fruitcakes. I believe that all fruitcakes were formed thousands of years ago by some kind of horrible natural catastrophe involving: fruit, cake, and a radioactive meteorite

The discovery of "superconductors"—materials that offer no resistance to electricity even at relatively high temperatures—creates a worldwide stir of excitement among the kind of dweebs who always had their Science Fair projects done early.

The Hawaiian language is quite unusual because when the original Polynesians came in their canoes, most of their consonants were washed overboard in a storm, and they arrived here with almost nothing but vowels. All the streets have names like Kal'ia'iou'amaa'aaa'eiou, and many street signs spontaneously generate new syllables during the night.