Quotes from Dave Barry

bigger of the two. He had a nose wart the size and shape of a small mushroom.

And it ain't a man, thought Slank.

When I read this, naturally my reaction as a concerned American was hahahahahahahahaha.

AS A PROFESSIONAL HUMORIST, I OFTEN GET LETTERS from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick, perverted, disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?

All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum As you can imagine, this unfortunate condition has an adverse impact on Tevye's milkman career, as it seriously hampers his ability to interact with his customers: CUSTOMER: I need two quarts of milk and one pint of cream. TEVYE: Okay, that's two quarts of milk and one pint of boody booboo

bimble beedle bom.

Nevertheless, we do need insects, for they perform many useful functions. Without insects, for example, we would have no reliable way to spread certain diseases.

I realize I am generalizing here, but, as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

They had good reason. Cyrus Pembridge was easily the worst captain in British nautical history. He had never bothered to learn even the basics of seamanship, choosing instead to occupy his time consuming vast quantities of rum.

We got into an elevator that made clunking noises and moved really slow, like it was tired of being an elevator and wanted to retire and just be a closet or something.

The Coca-Cola Company has changed the name of its soft drink in China after discovering the words mean 'bite the wax tadpole' in Chinese.

FATHER: What's the matter, Son? SON (bursting into tears): Oh Dad, I struck out and lost the big game. (Sobs.) FATHER (putting his arm around the boy's shoulders): Hey! Forget it! Let's have a nice cold can of Bite the Wax Tadpole! SON: And then I murdered a policeman.

Right down the street is the world-famous Times Square. Although this area is best known as the site where many thousands of people gather each New Year's Eve for a joyous and festive night of public urination

ME: HOW MUCH WOULD WE RAISE IF EVERYBODY PAID $8.95 IN TAXES? ROUGHLY. COMPUTER: SYNTAX ERROR. ME: NO, A SYNTAX ERROR WOULD BE "ME HIT COMPUTER IN SCREEN WITH BIG ROCK." COMPUTER: ROUGHLY $2 BILLION. ME: THANK YOU.

A. Yes, that's what I say, but my son claims he knows of mice named Tom. COMPUTER: HA HA! WHAT A CRETIN.

At 3:14 A.M. I am awakened by a loud crashing sound, caused by workers from the city's crack Department of Making Loud Crashing Sounds during the Night, who are just outside my window, breaking in a new taxicab by dropping it repeatedly from a 75-foot crane. Lying in bed listening to them, I can hardly wait for …

AS YOU ARE AWARE, EACH YEAR THE U.S. SURGEON General emerges from relative obscurity into the limelight of public attention and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter.

What, exactly, do I mean by the term weenie music? I mean "The kind of sniveling, pouty, hypersensitive, self-absorbed song, usually performed by males, that makes you want to pick up the singer by his pencil neck and shake him until he stops.

Too violent, you say? Shut up or I'll break your legs.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.